Is your pastor a narcissist?

Whenever I hear the term narcissist and the word pastor in the same sentence, the first three questions I ask myself are:

• When did the relational transgression happen?
• Why did it happen?
• And what went wrong?

We all have relational expectations and these expectations whether we like to admit them or not, are generally measured against our past and present experiences, former and present relationship ties, and what the word of God says about how a servant of faith is supposed to conduct themselves.

Psalms 62:5 - My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.

There is not a day that goes by where you will not hear a comment from a church member about what they believe their pastor should and shouldn’t do. Expectations are a part of church culture, which is why many believers struggle to escape from the great expectations of life.

Honestly, I believe that it is healthy for both the pastor and his church to have godly expectations about the relational role and conduct between the members of the church and their pastor. However, problems arise when the congregation begin to have unrealistic expectations for their pastor, and the pastors themselves begin to impose on themselves and others, unbiblical expectations not required for them. So how do you know whether your pastor is demonstrating narcissistic tendencies or not? And is your pastor really narcissistic?

Narcissistic traits or a relational expectation not met?

What are narcissistic tendencies? and is your pastor demonstrating them? To help you answer these questions why don’t you ask yourself the following:

Does your pastor have an inflated sense of self-importance? What experiences have you had that verifies this statement?

Does your pastor have a need for excessive admiration? What has your pastor done for you to confirm this?

Does your pastor lack empathy?

Does your pastor have a sense of entitlement, which leads to manipulative and exploitative behaviours?

Is your pastor arrogant?

What were your responses? did you get mainly yes’s to all these questions about a narcissistic personality?

Now, I want you to do this exercise again. This time remove your pastor’s name and begin to ask the same questions you asked about your pastor, about yourself? What were your findings? Were they the same answers? Were you honest with your responses?

From your responses, you may have concluded that a narcissistic pastor, is a pastor who centres all decision-making on themselves, has a sense of entitlement, manipulative and impatient. They may also lack empathy, be unable to accept criticism , they will be self-glorifying and they will be defensive of their authority. Does this description sound like your pastor?

Offended, wounded, abused?

More often than not, the believer making a statement about the narcissistic character and behaviour traits of their pastor, is a person who is concerned, hurt or emotionally wounded. This is a believer who may be offended, humiliated, disappointed, or angry because they feel that they, alongside the church are being abused, abandonedor let down. Despite their concern, I believe that it is needful that their spiritual concerns are put into context with their current spiritual and emotional health and state. For example: This spiritual injury that has occurred during the course of their relationship with their pastor, may have stemmed from previous unhealed relationship wounds and unmet realistic or unrealistic expectations. I say this not to brush this serious issue under the carpet, but, to highlight a simple truth that not every pastor is a deceiver or an abuser. God has given his church good shepherds, and these shepherds are not perfect, by any means or form ( 2 Corinthians 12: 9, Romans 8:26). But, they are faithful and obedient to a perfect God and his will and his word. Jeremiah 3:15, calls them shepherds after God’s own heart. So, please do not lose hope in God as he builds his church.

With that being said, if you have recently and prayerfully removed yourself from under the leadership of a narcissist pastor, I want to share with you some biblical examples of actions you can take.

No longer under the leadership of a narcissist leader? Now what?

It is important to recognise that all wounds, whether they are spiritual, emotional or physical, can have far-reaching effects on your current and future relationships, self-esteem, and overall mental health. Therefore, it is needful for you to take the following actions in order to receive the necessary spiritual healing and deliverance, especially if you have made the decision to break away from a narcissistic leader.

Acknowledge and confront your fears, and broken spiritual state ( Isaiah 41:10, Psalm 73:26). Don’t suppress your feelings and emotions. Instead, recognise that you are a flawed person in need of the grace and mercy of God and repent of your sins and your propensity to sin.

Put Christ in between the offender and you (Ephesians 1:7; Hebrews 9:12). Remember Christ was bruised for the iniquities of his people. Wounded for their transgressions, so that all believers, because of his suffering may receive healing and forgiveness. The penalty for all transgressions has been paid for on the cross. Stop praying to God and asking him to judge the offending party, just because you are in emotional and spiritual pain and hurt. Instead, start practicing mercy and forgiveness.

Practice forgiveness ( Ephesians 4:22, Mark 11:25). Letting go of an offence is not always easy, but it is an healthy and effective practice for your healing and deliverance. Avoid the temptation to slander and accuse the pastor and those who stand with him. Instead, practice forgiveness. God commands his people to forgive.

Practice the presence of God ( Psalm 46:19, Acts 17:28) The Bible says that God is a healer. He heals the broken hearted. Now is the time to run into the healing presence of God. You will not regret it.

Self-care ( Romans 8:1, 2 Timothy 2:21). Remember to be kind and patient to yourself as you heal. It is easy to condemn and blame yourself for the relationship breakdown. But it is more rewarding, when you heal following the leading counsel and presence of the Holy Spirit. Meditate upon the word of God and renew your mind. Deliver yourself from toxic thinking by renewing your thoughts with the wordof God. Healthy thinking brings forth godly actions.

Fellowship ( Hebrews 10:25): It is natural to become withdrawn and removed from society, especially when you are feeling overwhelmed, wounded or afraid. However, there is not one person here on earth, who does not want to feel a sense of belonging. Fellowshipping with the brethren is a great place to receive God’s healing.

Pray for the offender (Job 42:10). Often times bitterness, resentment and anger can lead you to pray prayers from the place of your hurt, and not from a place of love. As you spend time with the Holy Spirit. Ask him to minister to and through your heart. Open your heart to him so that he can release the compassion that is needed to righteously pray for those who have offended you.

Finally, remember healing takes time, it is a process.

God is the person who restores our souls (Psalm 23:3). In the life of Jesus he heals the broken hearted and liberates those who are held in bondage to past and present wounds and traumas (Luke 4:18). But, you too play a vital role in your healing journey. It is time to choose healthy interactions as you daily demonstrate faith in obedience to the Lord commands. Renew your mind in the word of God, so that you can think life giving thoughts (Philippians 4:4-9) and forgive those who have trespassed against you.